The Bachelorette Season 13: Episode 2

Hello friends! Hope everyone had a nice and relaxing long weekend! Ours was pretty low key. Friday night we DINED-IN at Wendy's so that was #winning for everyone. I had been having visions of me pounding a Son of the Baconator. And so I did that. WHAT MAMA WANTS, MAMA GETS.

Saturday we gave a talk to 31 engaged couples about Emotional Needs. Always fun! Monday I was in a hormonal vortex, so I spent most of the day passive aggressively texting Joel from the next room. Things like, "MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T BE GOING ANYWHERE TODAY MAYBE WE SHOULD BE FOLDING LAUNDRY, GETTING GROCERIES, EMPTYING THE DISHWASHER, AND VACUUMING." And then I fell asleep. EMOTIONALLY NEEDY, ANYONE?!?! It was just such a passive (yet v aggressive) way for me to communicate all the things that were overwhelming me. But because he's no dummy and knows this married life QUITE WELL, I woke up to him having accomplished all of those things. So everyone light a candle for Joel because he be saintly AF. AMEN.

In the midst of my utter laziness this weekend, I DID get a chance to watch the most recent Bachelorette episode. And it was a delight for all. My recap below contains spoilers! If you're interested in other recaps click The Bach link in the menu. Enjoy!

Update: RACHEL'S DOG IS NOW IN A RED CAST SLASH POSSIBLY A SOFT CAST. HE IS RUNNING AND HOPPING HAPPILY ON 3 LEGS. WE CAN ALL GO HOME NOW. KBYE.

After the amazing opening scenes of Rachel and her pup, we head over to the mansion where Christ Harrison delivers the first Group Date card. Eight lucky guys are chosen for a date with the clue "I'm looking for husband material." My thoughts....

The first part of the date is literally the most boring. Rachel plays football and grills with the guys.
Blake "the aspiring drummer" is formulating his revenge plot on Lucas aka Whaboom because he KNOWS Lucas is "not here for the right reasons." Yes, that's correct. The aspiring. drummer. is calling out people's motives. Pot meet Kettle.
The second part of the date is the Husband Material Challenge ft. Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher. Mila and Ashton declare themselves super fans of Bach and basically steal the show. I would have been happy not watching any of the date and just watching them. THEY BE THE CUTEST.
The guys have to go through a "domestic obstacle course" (I thought of that name myself, thanks.) where they're put to the test doing daily chores like diaper changing, vacuuming, cleaning a clogged drain, setting a table etc. So basically a Tuesday for all women.

Child Protective Services better not have been watching because ALL OF THESE MEN would have had their babies taken from them. They start by changing the doll baby's diaper and then trying to put the baby into a bjorn. Which, I will admit, even for a seasoned veteran can be challenging. Babies be flying everywhereeeeee. TORTURE CHAMBERS FOR DAYZ. Half of the babies drowned while they're negligent dads tried to get a ring out of a drain. And don't even get me started on the death trap they called vacuuming. 'Twas was a bad situation.

In the end-- SHOCKER!!!! Lucas won the challenge after stiff-arming the pro-wrestler and body slamming his own child.

On the third part of the date you can tell Rachel is officially bored by all of these guys...Ashton had predicted that Rachel's love was NOT in this group, and I would have to agree...

BUT Rachel needs to CHILL OUT about the summer camp guy being a "bad kid." Like how many years ago was that?? How long will we hold them against him?? And what did he DO exactly? Put a frog in your bunkbed? Saran wrap the toilet seat? Moon you as you walked to the dining hall? GIVE US SOME SPECIFICS, RACHEL.
Blake turns up the heat on Whaboom and announces to Rachel he knows Whaboom from back home because he lives with Whaboom's ex-girlfriend........wait what?? First of all you might wanna KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN ABOUT LIVING WITH OTHER GIRLS. Free advice. Step 2- we also learn you're evicting Whaboom's girlfriend from your apartment? This is getting v J.Springer. Step 3- You have an uncomfy amount of chest hair and I DON'T APPRECIATE IT.
Rachel keeps saying that no one is making the first move and she's annoyed but homegirl's LIPSTICK looks like she's been frenching SOMEONE hardcore. Did anyone else catch that? We know this show is about kissing so production needs to purchase her some Kylie Jenner lipkits STAT. That shiz DOES NOT MOVE. AND WILL NOT GIVE HER AWAY.
Dean aka "I'm ready to go black and never go back", got the group date rose and I'm guessing it's because he has the whitest teeth in all the land.

Rachel chooses Hot Peter for her first One on One date. BLESS UP.

They drive to an airstrip and she announces that he may have thought today was a one on one date, but it's actually a two on one. Enter COPPER THE 3 LEGGED WONDER! They fly with Copper to Palm Springs, to what can only be described as the nicest pool party that a human will never be invited to. Barkfest!
Barkfest was a blur of cute dogs doing cute things while cute Rachel and cute Peter talk in a cute baby pool. Nothing interesting to report besides the fact that PETER IS DREAMY.

During the evening portion of their date they continue to bond over their gap toothed beauty. Both agreeing it "adds character." I'm just wondering what these two REDIC LOOKING humans would look like if they DIDN'T have a space between their front teeth. LIKE HONESTLY LET OTHER PEOPLE HAVE A CHANCE IN THIS LIFE.
Rachel announces shes a "smitten kitten" for Peter which is just ironic since she's on a DOGGIE DATE.
Drinking game alert: From now on drink (and swoon) every time Peter clenches his jaw. You'll be BACH SIP CRAZY in no time!

Last but not least we have another Group Date! This time the guys will be heading to the gym to play some bball with Rachel and an extremely ALTO Kareem Abdul Jabar, (Whose face basically said "they aren't paying me enough for this" the entire time.)

I'm happy to see that Rachel is pretty good at bball. This date is actually close to my heart because I fancied myself a baller (SHOT CALLER!) back in the day. I played basketball competitively for many many years and wore mesh shorts and sports bras 24/7. Pretty sure my mom was worried I was gonna be a lesbian based on my outfit choices. I would describe myself as "wigger lite" back then.

Possible actual photo of me and my friend with an ill fitting shirt.

Whatever THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME. THIS IS ABOUT RACHEL AND THE DOWNFALL OF DEMARIO. But before that...if last season was the season of RUNNING into every group date. This is the season of SKIP JUMPING into every group date. In their (producer enhanced) excitement, every guy is doing this weird combo of skipping and jumping into the room. PLEASE WATCH AND AGREE.
So blah blah they play a bball game to an overzealous crowd. Penguin guy with thinning hair is the leading scorer. Blah BLAH SO ANYWAY. THE DEMARIO DEMISE....
After the game people are taking pics with Rachel and stuff and this one girl comes up to Rachel and is like "MY BOYFRIEND OF 7 MONTHS DISAPPEARED AND THE NEXT TIME I SAW HIM HE WAS ON TV TRYING TO WIN YOUR HEART." I'm not gonna lie you guys, after I got over the initial shock of the girl having a scunchie on her wrist, I was like

the rest of the time. I was so awko taco for all parties involved. The girlfriend made a complete ass of herself but also seemed VERY believeable. I believed all the emotion and everything she was saying. DeMario still had keys to her apartment and had been with her up until 3 days before taping.

And then DeMario came out of the locker room like

And then I was like

And it's like Rachel HEARD ME or something because she took off her FUN HAT and put on her ATTORNEY HAT and Demario was left looking like

And when she told him to GTFO every woman in America was like

AND IT WAS JUST THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Que lots of walking around by Rachel being like oh hell no, I DID NOT LEAVE THE SOUTH SIDE FOR THIS (Editor's Note: name that movie.) And DeMario just saying "that's crazy" over and over and muttering something about character assassination.
Everything after that was NOT NOTEWORTHY because that drama be NEXT LEVEL.
Josiah got the group date rose SWOOPING right in where DeMario left off.

And at the cocktail party-- SURPRISE SURPRISE PUPPY SURPRISE, DEMARIO IS BACK! He wants to "explain himself" And all the guys are like OH HERE GO HELL COMEEEEEEE!!

Can't wait to see what next week holds!!!

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