Bachelor Season 21: Episode 6 — And It Will Be Lovely

Hello friendssss. This recap will be a short one this week because I'm LOSING THE BATTLE with laundry in my house. Plus my cleaners come tomorrow...so I need to start doing the prerequisite cleaning up for the cleaners. #firstworldproblemz, I know.

I've been doing recaps the whole season and they can be found in The Bachelor link in the nav bar! As always they contain spoilers so don't read unless you've watched!

P.S. I've changed around and added a lot to the navigation bar-- ch-ch-check 'em out!

First of all I would like you people to know that I totally MISSED the Taylor Return last night! It was only today when I went back to do my Investigative Reporting, that I was like OH SHIZ THERE'S TAYLOR STILL WITH NO BRA ON. And snaps to her for getting herself down the bayou and back with no nip slip (Editor's Note: SORRYNOTSORRY, mom).

Taylor gives it a good shot trying to throw Corinne under the bus. But Nick's like, "Taylor. Two words: WHIPPED. CREAM." And he sends her outtie for good. Corinne- 87349832749873 Everyone else- 0. Editor's Note: I wasn't mad about it when Corinne said, "What we've learned today is that cats have nine lives, and bitches have two." I was like, "what an id-....WAIT A MINUTE. THAT'S TRUE!"

On to the Rose Ceremony...

Here, I would like to say again, that I hate rose ceremonies at the beginning of episodes. IT'S NOT NATURAL. My thoughts on the rose ceremony:

No cocktail party which has them all shaking in their Rent The Runway dresses
Corinne continues to serve us NSFW slits in her dresses
Jasmine is losing her mind
Alexis is sent home. I can't say I'll miss her Jersey accent, but I WILL miss her being scared by the Nicholas Cage face. Also I'M SURE she will be on BIP.
Josephine and Jaimi are sent home too and that feels VERY OK.

Then Nick announces they're on their way to somewhere with WHITE FANNY BEACHES!!!! Wait what? Rewind. Did he just say white FANNY beaches? Upon further investigation it turns out he's saying white SANDY beaches, but his teeth got in the way. Either way...they're headed to St. Thomas!

Que the RUNNING DOWN THE BEACH & RUNNING INTO THE HOTEL scenes with the girls. They're making me feel lazy AF. CAN'T A GIRL JUST DRINK HER WINE AND EAT HER WEIGHT WATCHERS CHOCOLATE IN PEACE?! Damn.

Nick arrives via seaplane in his best Zack Morris surfer outfit. Except Zack Morris' shorts were longer.

Actual photo of Nick greeting the girls by the sea plane.But also, helloooooo Zack Morris' biceps. — Actual photo of Nick greeting the girls by the sea plane.
But also, helloooooo Zack Morris' biceps.

He tells them the first date is a one-on-one, and it starts NOW! He chose Kristina The Russian. Off they go to explore the island. My thoughts:

That plane ride made my stomach hurt.
Don't kill me with your cold Russian hands Kristina, but you are hard to understand. Like subtitle level hard to understand. But don't worry girl you're also like REALLY PRETTY, so it don't matter!
Her adoption story was, in a word: intense. I'm glad they gave it a lot of air time though. ADOPTION IS AN OPTION. I'm sure there wasn't a dry eye in America after listening to her.
She gets the most patriotic rose of all time.

P.S. I'M NOT DISCUSSING LORNA BECAUSE THAT ENTIRE SCENE WAS RIDICULOUS.

Moving right along to Date #2. It's a Group Date with everyone but Danielle L. and Whitney. Leaving them to be together on an 2-on-1. The group date takes a catamaran to an island to ~~get rediculously drunk~~ play volleyball. My thoughts:

The girls are not feeling the island vibe because they are TENSEEEEE. I also feel like there was a lot of editing around these scenes.
They all stink at volleyball.
Many of their bathing suits look like some sort of torture contraption #strapsonstrapsonstraps
How many up close shots do we need of Danielle M. looking confused with her hands on her hips. The answer: INFINITY UP CLOSE SHOTS OF DANIELLE M. LOOKING CONFUSED WITH HER HANDS ON HER HIPS!
Just like a wise Raven once said, "If Jasmine was a vegetable she would be a turnip. Because she is turned all the way up!" Preach, girl.
Even my LCC (Lovely Canadian Crush) Vanessa is losing it.
Why is EVERYONE crying?

The second half of the date doesn't give us any less drama. My thoughts:

Rachel tells Nick she's out of her element and the only thing I can think is NO GIRL. YOUR BUN BE OUT OF IT'S ELEMENT. WHY IS IT IN OUTER SPACE ON YOUR HEAD??? Bring that puppy down 40 degrees.
And the turnip has TURNED OUT because Jasmine lost it. I wanted her to succeed but she let the game get INSIDE HER HEAD. She was pissed about not having had one on one time, and when she brought that to Nick's attention she also told him she was going to choke him. So there's that.
Their conversation was making me feel very awko taco, dudes. I did not have enough Malbec on hand to get through that one. Right when I thought it couldn't get any worse she made the weird sexual choking joke, and I literally stood up in my T.V. room and walked out. Like I was firing myself from watching Jasmine get fired.
In other words: JASMINE GETS SENT HOME ON THE SPOT.
Raven gets the group date rose for being the only one who didn't cry.

Date #3 is the 2-on-1 with Danielle L. and Whitney. I can't even remember what they did. But what I do know is...

STEP ASIDE, "Can I steal you for a minute?" THERE'S A NEW PHRASE IN TOWN. "Can I walk you out?" IS THE NEW STEAL YOU. Because Nick be sending peeps packin' LEFT AND RIGHT. If you count Taylor, Nick sent 7 people home this episode!! My thoughts:

I want to make something clear: Who is Whitney? Asking for a friend. Is she Astrid's doppelganger? Does she even go here? The most airtime she got is when she was being sent home.
Homegirl kind of called him out though. I did like that. I was like I don't even know who you are, but I probs would have liked you.
Danielle L. I LOVE YOU but you give the most narnar bobo answers ever. (Editor's Note: if you can name which movie narnar bobo came from I'll give you $20)
I had trouble understanding every sentence she said. They either made no sense or they felt like STOCK answers. And enough with the nervous laughter!!! Despite this he still gives her a rose and she technically "wins" the 2-on-1 leaving Whitney alone to do Pilates on the island.

On the second half of the date:

Before any drama went down I actually wrote in my notes (yes, my notes.) That Nick didn't seem that happy. It was sort of like he knew what he was about to do and wasn't in a good mood about it.
JUST CALL ME: AUNT CHARCHAR THE BODY LANGUAGE EXPERT because it was true! He basically quizzes Danielle L. on what she wants in a relationship, and she barely gets her generic answers out before he's like BYE FELICIA.
I'm actually proud of him for sending her home though. He could have fallen for her obvious beauty and kept her around longer. But I think EVEN NICK knew there wasn't much below the surface.

And just went I'm starting to think, "WOW MAYBE NICK IS NO LONGER THE TRICKY NICKY DRAMA QUEEN HE ONCE WAS." He starts to cry. And not like a few manly wipes of the eyes but FULL BLOWN WEEPING. That's gonna be a no for me dawg. If nothing else because I didn't come to The Bachelor to watch grown men cry. That's what I go to The Bachelorette for. (ZINGZANGZONG!!!!)

Anyway he shares with the ladies that he's scared lightening will indeed strike 4x in the same spot and he will FAIL "this process" again. They're at a loss for words so they do what girls do best in this situation, they also start crying. THIS EP WAS SO FULL OF ALL KINDS OF TEARS.

And by the looks of next week's preview-- the drama will rage on!

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