The Bachelor: Season 21 Episode 1 — And It Will Be Lovely

Where do I even begin? I have been sitting staring at my computer because there is JUST SO MUCH TO SAY and not enough time to say it.

Le Sigh. The Bachelor is back. FINALLY! I was so so happy to sit down on my couch last night and cozy up to a piping-hot-off-the-press episode of The Bachelor. Episode One. Night One. The hardest of all the eps to get through, in my opinion. The awkwardness is sky high, the redic-ness is sky high, the adrenaline is sky high and most of all-- MY SPIRIT is sky high.

Everyone on this earth knows how much I love the Bachelor franchise. If loving them is wrong, I never EVER want to be right. Editor's Note: Except when I am arguing with you, Joe-l my belle. In that case I will point and counterpoint you until the COWS COME HOME. The Bach is the guiltiest of pleasures to my soul. It makes Mondays worth living again. Truthfully, I feel I am unworthy of being a "Recapper" of the show. Many Recappers have gone before me, forging the path for little baby bloggers like me. But I wouldn't be being true to MYSELF and my BRAND (ha ha), if I didn't include it on MY BLOG.

I'm going to do my best to share what I gleamed from last night's premier. I can't do a full recap because my kids need things called "meals" and I have a lot of stuff called "laundry" but I will give you a few thoughts...

This is Nick Viall (pronounced VILE. Which is art imitating life, right there.) He's The Bachelor. This is the Redemption Story for Nick. We have basically spent the last 3 years thinking he's a total loser. Right or right? (Need I remind you he actually used the words "made love" on national television. Not in an ironic way.) Last year he did a great job on BIP making himself likable. So now we tolerate him as The Bach.

The episode opened with shots of Nick around his apartment, his city, his shower. You know, normal stuff like that. Honestly, I almost called it quits when they black boxed him within the first 12 seconds of the show. Even for Bach standards that was pretty low level. Then they brought us down memory lane of how he got this spot. Which included a lot of scenes of him mumbling and sitting like a woman on couches.
I am NOT pleased to announce that I'm going to have issues with Nick's teeth slash lisp situation. It's a distraction. I AM pleased to announce that Nick's hair has finally settled down and KNOWS IT'S ROLE. Which is to stop making a scene and just KEEP HIS HEAD WARM.
The part of the episode where former Bachelors give Nick advice was...boring? The Bachelors they chose are arguably the three nicest ever. Which is good. But doesn't make for compelling TV. I just kept thinking Sean Lowe looked a little smug because he's definitely the Mac Daddy (pun intended) of them all with his Bachelor wife and child. I also thought that Ben loves to hear himself talk. And he still needs to wash his hair. And Chris is just there because he needs a break from riding his tractor.

Then the dreaded Limo Entrances. Dreaded for ME because it's the most awkward thing my ojos will see all year long. But I can do all things through wine who strenghens me. In years past I've actually just fast forward through the entire thing because it's a shock to my sensibilites. But I had Joel with me last night to ~~hold me~~ yell to me from across the couch, that it was going to be OK.

Some peeps who stuck out...

Danielle L. came out of the limo first. It's a urban legend in Bachelor Nation that whoever gets out first has the "wifey entrance." This person usually goes far in the competition. She is what we in the business call, VERY PRETTY, so I bet she will.

This girl, Taylor, is 23 and a Mental Health Counselor. "Mental Health Counselor" and "The Bachelor" are mutually exclusive. And never the twain shall meet. Because if you were a legit MHC you would never, nay...you SHOULD NEVER, want to be on this show. ALSO, within 7 seconds of getting out of the limo she called him, "a piece of $***." I'm not even kidding. There was no BUT involved either. She just let it hang in the air. So in other words...she should definitely be fired.

This is Vanessa. She is 29. She speaks like a million languages, and is a Special Ed teacher, and is a real living angel, and I'm pretty sure Joel is in love with her. I'M NOT JEALOUS, IT'S FINE. I mean did you see the scene of her speaking french to the special needs children?!?!?! I'm pretty sure I'm in love with her too. Minus the fact she's Canadian.

This girl, Alexis, actually looked like this all night:

And for that she Wins At Life. Shark Girl. Normally I hate the costume entrances because they compound the awkwardness, and make it terrible for everyone. Editor's Note: Except JoJo when she wore the unicorn head because JoJo IS a unicorn and CAN DO NO WRONG. (Editor's Note on the Editor's Note: Yes, mom. That sentence did just come out of my mouth. I am your most winning child, I know). But I thought this girl was justttt spazy enough to make it endearing. The scene where she's sitting in the pool and trying to convince Nick she's actually a dolphin was pretty cute.

All I can say about this child, Corinne, is that she needs some sweet Baby Jesus in her life. It amazes me how people don't know (or care?) how they sound. If she said she "runs a multi-million dollar company" once she said it like 10 times. And she also used the word "vagine" which should be illegal in all 50 states and Puerto Rico. Additionally, she frenched him on the first night. In the first second. And das ist un NEESH NEESH, girl. She most def is going to be the villain this season. And in the profound words of former Bachelorette contestants, Clint and JJ, "VILLAINS GOTTA VILL." How true, indeed.

This poor thing. I legitimately feel sorry for her. Her name is Liz and she is a Doula. The problem with Liz is that she's already hooked up with Nick. She met him at Jade & Tanner's wedding, because she was Jade's MOH. The worst part is she thought HE DIDN'T REMEMBER HER AND SHE WAS OK WITH THAT. Wait, what? You know him in The Biblical Sense but you're down with him NOT REMEMBERING YOU?? I must be getting old because THAT'S A NO FOR ME, DAWG. When they finally talk about it, I found myself annoyed at her because Nick had tried to do the "right thing" (SERIOUS USE OF QUOTES IN THIS SENSE) and get her number, and she said no. What? Why? And now she's on the show!? How many rhetorical questions can I ask? Question mark? Something is not right. She is big timing herself on national television and it's already hard to watch.

This girl Sarah stuck out to me for a few reasons. 1. great hair 2. great color dress 3. her little gimmicky entrance allowed her to wear sneakers so she laughs last! I learned nothing else about her but being The Sneaker Wearer on night one is all we really need to know.

The cocktail hour was a blur of people stressing about getting time with Nick, talking shiz about Corinne and generally being #basic. And some tears. Always a few tears from the ladies on the first night. It's what we were born to do.

Nick ended up giving the first impression rose to Rachel, who is already signif more legit than him. Me thinks she will also go far in the competition.

I actually sort of lost interest toward the end because all rose ceremonies blend together. So I went back and watched the ending again, because this is the type of Investigative Reporting I do for you people. My findings? Nothing happened. People who should have gone home went home (like the girl who quoted Carrie Bradshaw...??). Some people stayed who shouldn't have. Like the girl who said, "you're a wiener in my book" and made Nick eat a raw hotdog. TO EACH HIS OWN I GUESS.

What did you guys think of the episode?!

My overall conclusions are this is going to be a fun season. Nick is polarizing and I have a suspicious feeling his chicks will be polarizing too.

UNTIL NEXT WEEK!!!

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