The Bachelor: Season 21 Episode 7 — And It Will Be Lovely

Hello, party people! Before you read I shall again remind you that these recaps CONTAIN SPOILERS. Make sure you've watched the WHOLE episode before you read. Though I'm telling you now that if you haven't watched this episode-- you didn't miss much.

All my Bachelor recaps can be found in the link at the top of this page! Read them and weep-FROM LAUGHTER. ZINGZANGZONG!!!

Imma be real wit you. I gave up on this episode. TWICE. The first time was: EXTREME TIRED + high alcohol content Pino Grigio (13.3% which I didn't realize until it was...too late...) + BOREDOM.

The second time was BOREDOM, and boredom alone. It may be episode 7, but it feels like episode 27, AMIRITE? But I have perseverance and grit and time on my hands, so I skimmed it again. Here's what I got...

It's Drama with a capital D, right out of the gate. Everyone is reeling from Nick announcing that he's not sure he can continue "IN THIS PROCESS." It's a blur of #shock #surprise #emotions #frustration #upsetness #worry...it's basically a Dashboard Confessionals song up in this piece.

Nick crashes the ladiez hotel room to talk...my thoughts:

You can tell they're like: Step 1- Are we all gonna die? Step 2- I wish the producers would have given me a heads up because I look like das poop. (I'm looking at you Raven.)
Why is Rachel laying so aggressively on Kristina? It's bothering me.
Nick realizes he's contractually obligated to stick around so he's like HEYYYYYY FORGET WHAT I SAID BACK THERE...IT'S OFF TO BIMINI!!
Bimini? Where is Bimini? What is Bimini? WHO IS BIMINI? I will cut her.

**QUE THE RUNNING & SCREAMING** The girls are so excited to get outta dodge and visit a place they never knew existed just 5 short minutes ago. These girls run into houses/hotel rooms like people on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. They literally react as if Ty Pennington has just screamed MOVE THAT BUS!!!!

Here are some still shots of the girls I got entering the new house in Bimini...

The first date card is given out and it's a one-on-one with Vanessa. They take a boat out to sea and go snorkeling. My thoughts...

Out of the gate Vanessa says she's never been on a boat. Ever? Like never ever? What are they teaching you in Canada? Monsters.
Meanwhile Corinne is at home QUESTIONING VANESSA, MY LOVE'S, intentions. Corinne questioning anyone's anything is HIGH-LARIOUS.
She says she "doesn't see much depth" in Vanessa. HEHEHAHAHOHO!!!! Yeah I guess being a special needs teacher, who speaks three languages, and is THE 8TH NATURAL WONDER OF THE WORLD, is very shallow indeed.

On the second half of the date....

Vanessa basically tells Nick she's falling in love with him, while I'm falling in love with HER ABILITY TO WEAR NO EYE MAKEUP AND STILL LOOK GOOD.
He semi-rejects her love statement by saying "I really really like you", back. That's not what anyone wants to hear after they drop the atomic L-Bomb.
Though I'm not sure in #bachelornation history there have been many Bachelors who say I love you this soon. Besides DUMB DUMB Ben last year saying it to EVERYONE.
Vanessa can just relax because she is STILL A MAJESTIC NO EYE MAKEUP CREATURE.

The next day it's the final group date and it's with Raven, Kristina and Corinne. They take a yacht to go swim with some sharks. Awesome. My thoughts...

I'm getting realllll sickkkk of Nick's swim trunk choices. Doesn't he know ladies hatred of "man thigh" is an actual thing?

I'm not OK with the rubbing of the sunscreen. It was too many hands in too many weird places. I also love how Raven is not at all interested in that because she's trying to get one of her gigantic Cher hairs out of her mouth.
Raven is the only one down with the idea of swimming with sharks. She's like "I'll punch a shark in the face if it gets to close to me." And you know what? I totally believe her. Because two words: STI-LETTO. She impaled an ex-boyfriend with her heels once. She has seen some shiz. (By the way, I know it's actually one word. But you know, Arkansas.)
Right when they jump in the water they see a shark and Kristina is like I DID NOT LEAVE THE SOUTH SIDE FOR THIS. And bails.
Nick goes to check on fragile-yet-I-will-kill-you-with-my-cold-Russian-hands, Kristina. Which annoys Corinne. She says she feels like she's "on Kristina's date."

On the second half of the date...

There is A LOT of talk about hometowns because they're coming up.
I have something to say to Raven: Your hometown's name of "Hoxie" makes me feel icky in my sticky. Please stop saying it.
Corinne eats more on this show than all other contestants combined in the history of #bachelornation.
Nick is a CRY BABY. I mean honestly. GET IT TOGETHER, MAN.

Actual photo of Nick talking to the girls.

Are these girls required by Bachelor Law NOT to wear a hair tie? Or even have one on their person? I feel like this entire date has been a blur of unnecessarily long hair flying around. LET THE PONYTAIL LIVE, ABC!!
Corinne speaks in the 3rd person, which always makes for a good time. As in "Corinne hasn't had a chance to lock it down with Nick yet." FROM HER OWN MOUTH.
Raven gets the group date rose leaving the other girls shocked, bewildered and bamboozled.

I'm not afraid to tell you I actually liked that song being sung by that guy whose name I didn't catch, on the beach. Anyone know the name? I'm too lazy to look.

Date #2 is a one-on-one with sleepy Danielle M.

They take bikes and explore the island of Bimini. My thoughts:

I'm already worried for Danielle M. the moment this date starts. Protip: if the contestant is doing all of the narrating of the date COMBINED with proclaiming their love for the person...it's a bad sign. You can SMELL the fact she's about to be sent home.
And one thing I do like about Nick is he has a TERRIBLE poker face. I'm surprised given the pregnant pauses and his general looks of disgust, that she didn't see the writing on the wall.

Second half of the date...

I wish he hadn't let her go on, and on, an on.....and on, about how much she liked him. Fully knowing he was going to give her da boot. That's cold.
She gave a sleepy yet totally dramatic reaction to leaving. It was weird.

Then she's sent back to the house to ~~amp up the drama~~ gather her things and say goodbye. The girls are shocked but mostly like, SORRY DANIELLE YOU WERE A GONER ANYWAY. BACK TO ME. WILL I BE SENT HOME???

It's PLATINUM VAGINE TIME!!!

Corinne heads to Nick's hotel to "blow his room up." Dude, Corinne that is SICK. I'm sure your beach house has a private bathroom for that kind of business.
Nick's hotel room seems to be built with extreme mood lighting already. It's as if he knew she was coming over!
Corinne tries to use her PV to secure her spot for hometown dates. The weird shag carpet music starts to play and we are to think that the eagle REALLY WILL land...but alas...Nick shuts it down.
I love how the camera man was like like OH HELL NO and HIDES BEHIND the champagne bottle all the way across the room. It's as if even he doesn't know what Corinne is capable, there by keeping a good klick away.
Corinne is super embarrassed that her PV failed her. I can't tell if I'm more embarrassed for her actions or her shoe choice. Homegirl was BIG STRUGGS walking up and down that hallway.

What Corinne wanted to look like walking down the hallway...

What Corinne actually looked like walking down the hallway...

The #3 and final date of this episode is a one-on-one with Rachel. Truthfully I fully checked out of this date KNOWING WHAT WE KNOW NOW...

RACHEL IS GOING TO BE THE NEW BACHELORETTE! They announced it on Jimmy Kimmel Live after the episode on Monday night. It's exciting, though premature. My thinking is the producers want to hook us, and tell us to "keep holding on!" because this season is so boring. Now we have something to look forward to.

It's weird since she is obviously going to hometowns, only to be sent home. Either way I fast forward through this date. From what I saw it looked relaxing and perhaps they were getting love advice from the local bartender?? Who knows.

In the final scenes of this episode we see Nick BACK AT THE HOUSE this time asking to speak to Kristina. You can tell by her facial expression and the fact she hesitates to even sit down, that she knows she's going home.

Truthfully this was a slightly heartbreaking scene. She doesn't let him off the hook and it's clear he's cut up about sending her home.
But I'm also cut up about how distracting his teeth/spit/crying situation was.
She stays RUSSIAN STRONG until after he leaves (thata girl!). I'm sad seeing her go but ABC aren't dummies. There is no way they will let that little Russian nesting doll slip through their fingers. See you on Bach in Paradise!

What did you think about this week's episode? Who are you vying for now that we know Rachel will be eliminated? TALK TO ME GEESE!!

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