The Bachelor: Season 21 Episode 4 — And It Will Be Lovely

Hey friends! Time for another Bachelor recap! If you want to read my other recaps you can find them here, here and here. As always: this post will contain spoilers, so don't read until you've watched!

P.S. To my regular readers, FEAR NOT, I will start posting other stuff again (in addition to my Bach stuff!) soon. I've had a ton going on the last few weeks, so it's been hard for me to bust out more than one post a week. And lezbhonest The Bachelor is Priority Level: High.

We pick up right where we left off with everyone still hating Corinne. Surprise surprise, how many puppies are there in side? And by "puppies" I mean "stupid things Corinne can do". The answer: infinity number of stupid things. The girls can't handle BHG (Bouncy House Gate) and they need Nick to know NOW. Editor's Note: Drink every time they say "bouncy house" not one use of "bounce house" which is how civilized people say it. People who say "bouncy house" are probably the same people who say "panties." This is because they hate us.

Vanessa confronts Nick about why he's keeping Corinne around. We learn in this convo that Vanessa has balls 'o steel and also a slight potty mouth. We also learn that Nick has trouble completing a sentence.

Taylor goes to wake Corinne and tell her ~~she was pushed on to traintracks by a group of people trying to mug her and she was rescued but has been in a deep coma for two weeks and her family thinks they're engaged to be married~~ to get up for the Rose Ceremony. Editor's Note: Name that movie! Corinne also takes this opportunity to tell the girls that she is "not entitled in any way." Meanwhile, America collective spits out their Pino Grigio.

At the Rose Ceremony Corinne gets a rose, along with the other usual suspects. Christen was sent home and she's all I TURNED STATES WITNESS FOR YOUR ASS ABOUT LIZ, FOOL. AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME? Sike. She didn't say that. BUT SHE SHOULD HAVE. Also the chick who dressed like the Lady Godiva bride was sent home too. See you in 6 months on BIP!

The next day Chris comes to the mansion to tell the ladies their journey with Nick will take them all over the world!! Starting with BEAUTIFUL DOWNTOWN......................................MILWAUKEE WISCONSIN. Sweet. Not the most exciting place to start. But true to this groups way they SPAZ and act like they've won the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes. And while I'm on the topic of overacting...is this not the most OVER ACTIVE group of contestants? They run LITERALLY EVERYWHERE. RUNNING TO PACK THEIR SUITCASES. RUNNING INTO THE NEW HOUSE. RUNNING IN THE AIRPORT. DAMN. SLOW DOWN LIL BITTIES. Stop and enjoy that recycled airport air.

Moving right along. We are now in Nick's hometown of something that starts with a W that I don't want to look up. He goes and has a visit with his parents. Some thoughts:

Well. Nick's mom is 72x cooler than me. She was sporting the ADVANCED COOL KID STARTER PACK. Why? Well let's see:

nose ring
cartilage piercing plus multiple holes in her ear
hanging in a hipster coffee shop
aggressive John & Kate Plus 8 haircut
leather jacket
47 kids
tons of eyeliner (OK I have that one covered.)
husband you can tell she totally bosses around (OK I have that one covered too.)

Nick is an emotional creature and cries.
I love that Nick's Dad says nothing except, "Well I think I can speak for Mom and me when I say...we never wanna see you on this show again." ZINGZANGZONG. They show Nick's face for .3 seconds but you can tell he's like DAD THIS IS MY BREAD & BUTTER SO YOU SHUT YOUR TINY UNASSUMING MOUTH.

Nick's mom aka Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

Nick meets with the ladies at a park and tells them he's about to choose someone to go on a one-on-one date with that starts NOW. He picks Danielle L. My heart sings. Thoughts:

They walk around town and make Nick-erdoodle (I feel MUY uncomfortable with that name) cookies.
I've finally found Danielle L's Achilles's Heel: fake slash nervous laughter. She did it the ENTIRE TIME.
The only time worthy of fake laughter was when they just "happened upon" one of Nick's ex-boos sitting in a coffee shop window. He totally fakely asks her to join them and they fakely drink fake sodas and have fake conversation with fake laughter about their fake relationships. FAKEITY FAKE FAKE FAKE. (Ask me how I really feel...)

Let's all just take a breath and move on to the second half of their date....

They have drinks and hang in a cool looking bar. Danielle shares about her parents divorce and how it's made her very cautious about relationships.
She rocked the turtleneck by day and basically no shirt by night. Cool.
WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY? ANOTHER CONCERT!? Chris Lane! Weren't they just dancing like 8-balls-at-a-school-mixer-in-front-of-a-crowd-last-week??
She gets the rose.

2nd Date- Group Date with everyone but Raven and Danielle L.

The second date of the episode is at a Dairy Farm. As you can imagine, it went super well. The girls have to partake in the daily chores of the farm including, but not limited to, shoveling poop. My Thoughts:

I actually found this date to be super boring. It's the same old six and two of Corinne not doing anything and everyone hating her for it. She claims she was losing circulation in her feet (or hands?) and had to sit out of the poop slinging part. A likely story.
Everyone looked very cold and certainly didn't wear their "Day On The Farm" garb.

Did anyone else notice that this calf was NOT actually interested in the bottle Nick was trying to feed him?

On to the second half of the date....

The theme is Motorcycle Jackets, and everyone has one on. (Even Nick's Cooler Than Me mom, evidently.)
Also the theme is "WE STILL HATE CORINNE." We know, dudettes. We do too.
Kristina & Nick finally have some one-on-one time and he's all, "I love watching you..." And she's like, "Cool well you better because I have that Stone Cold Russian Vodka running through my veins. And I will kill you." And she kills Corinne with her words and it's kind of amazing.
Sarah gets very direct with Corinne and I was feeling awkward. I feel like it's probably the most confrontational she has been in her whole life. So props to her but Corinne swatted her away like a little Kindergarten Teacher, FLY.
Kristina gets the group date rose. And then smashes it and eats it, just to show everyone whose boss.

Date #3 One-on-one with Raven

Raven is treated to a "day in the life" of Nick if he was visiting home. First stop: Nick's 11 year-old sister Bella's soccer game. Then on to a rollerskating rink. My thoughts:

Bella has more game than Nick both on AND OFF the field. She has been on every one of Nick's Bachelor/Bachelorette seasons. (Except BIP of course because her parents said she "wasn't allowed to watch it.") Sidebar: That was actually so cute.
Raven gets to meet Nick's parents and that's 50 Shades of Awko Taco. She does her best with it, but I think his mom's cool kid beanie had her a wee bit intimidated. (Add the hat to my list.)
Drink every time Nick says "hometown." You'll be drunk in no time. Because it's a "HOMETOWN DATE." GET IT?
I was hard-pressed to believe Nick hits the local roller rink when he's in his HOMETOWN (drink.) UNTIL I SAW HIM SKATE. BOYYYYY CANNNNN ROLLER SKATE, MY FRIENDS. He kept skating by during Bella and Raven's talk doing his best Angels in The Outfield hand gestures with his oiled chest. It was actually making me LOL aggressively.
Fun Fact: They both have the ability to french and skate at the same time.

The Beanie means (casual cool kid) BUSINESS

On to the second part of the date...

They "have dinner" in the Milwaukee Museum of Fine Art. All you need to know about this part of the date...

Do not. I repeat DO NOT F with Raven. She will drive to your house, break into your house, catch you sleeping with someone, and beat you over the head with a stiletto.
She is a great ass story teller. I was on the edge of my seat for that story.
You can tell Nick is scared AF but he also doesn't want to be impaled by a shoe, so he keeps his cool.
She gets a rose.

The episode ends with Johns Hopkins Therapist Taylor, trying to serve up Corinne using big phrases like "emotional intelligence." Too bad Corinne's like, "Don't choke on those words, boo. I run a multi-million dollar company." Honestly it's sort of boring and overplayed. All I know is it's Corinne's world and we are just living in it.