The Bachelorette Season 13: Episode 1

It's BAAAAACCCKKKKKK! Mondays are for living again!! The Bachelorette is BACK!

As many of you know I covered Tricky Nicky as the Bachelor last season. If you want to read my episode recaps for funskis there is a link in the menu bar. But the answer is YES, I did give up before the finale. And YES, it was because Raven talked about never getting......satisfied. And YES, I am still traumatized about it. And NO, I don't wanna talk about it. (Unless you do in which case, GIRLLLL YOU BEST BE MESSAGING ME BECAUSE WE HAVE MUCH TO DISCUSS.) I also feel like Nick was kind of the worst and he wasn't INSPIRING me toward the end.

BUT I am to report many peeps requested that I continue to do my Bach/Bachelorette reviews. (Editor's Note: MOM AND DAD I KNOW YOU ARE PROUD!!!) And WHAT THE PEOPLE WANT, THE PEOPLE GET! I promise I'll try hard to see the season through. I already like Rachel 30x more than Nick so that's helpful.

As always my recaps contain spoilers so don't read unless you've imbibed on the episode already!

This is Rachel. She is the newest Bachelorette. She is a lawyer. She is out of many men's leagues. Rachel is normal. We like Rachel. She had her heart broken by Nick last season, but she's back. And SHE IS READY FOR LOVE!

The episode opened with Rachel at an ABC photoshoot. Some inaudible people are telling her inaudible things. She looks happy. And while I don't understand what they're saying, I do understand that this is a WAY BETTER opening scene then Nick's. Remember him BLACKBOXING us in the shower within 13 seconds of the first episode last year? Not today Satan, NOT.TO.DAY.
Cut to the standard scenes of the Rachel walking around "her" city, reflecting on the heartbreak of last season. Like that time Nick FORCED her to tell him she loved him, fully knowing he was going to send her home anyway. You know, just little reflections like that. And I know this is supposed to be sort of a sad scene, but personally I'm rejoicing because Rachel's hair be looking 93483983930x better than last season.
You gotta love some "REAL LIFE" courtroom scenes. She's like "Objection, your honor! Speculation." [Insert extreme stink eye toward plaintiff here.] Things I WON'T get tired of this season: lawyer speak and lawyer puns. Makes me think of Elle Woods, Attorney at Law.

Rachel goes on to describe herself as "sweet but also sour, sassy yet classy!" Uhhhh....STOP THE PRESSES! CAN SOMEONE PROMISE ME THAT WILL BE INSCRIBED ON MY TOMBSTONE??? I mean honestly. Who loves a good descriptive rhyme to describe themselves?! THIS GUY.
BUT LET'S FACE IT. The real stars of the opening scenes are THE OLD LADIES IN THE PARK AND RACHEL'S DOG WITH THE BROKEN LEG. AMIRIGHT? Like step aside Rachel, there's a new sheriff in town and her name is (probably) Fran:

Next Rachel's old Bach franchise "besties" come to the mansion to give her some "sound advice." Like, "don't turn away the person in the costume. They could be totally amazing!" Also Corinne continues to look like she was just taking a quick siesta upstairs. What's old is new again. I must say it's nice to see how much they all genuinely like Rachel. Makes me appreciate her for being a "girl's girl."

On to the guys. Imma be real wit you...

Some are OK. And some are bad. I admit this opening episode WASN'T as uncomfy as most...but it was still pretty awful. (Tickle monster, anyone?!)(Adam, Jr. The Doll, anyone?!) However I'll go out on a limb and say that historically, the guys do a better job with their limo entrances than the girls. Rachel also handled herself swimmingly. But the first ep is ALWAYS awkward. And ALWAYS requires wine (Editor's Note: MOM, relax. I wasn't drinking it. I was merely sniffing the bottle). And I ALWAYS wish I could fast forward but because of my IRD (Investigative Reporting Duties), I pressed on.

WET THE PAVEMENT FRIENDS...IT'S LIMO TIME!! (Editor's Note: No that's not some weird sexual innuendo, you sickos. They literally make the entrance to the mansion look wet.)

This is Kenny. He is 35 and a professional wrestler. His wrestling name has something to do with being a "pretty pitbull." Anyway, he seems nice enough. However, I was a little awko taco about his daughter jumping all over him in the wrestling ring. Am I a wuss to think she was too old for that? Talk amongst yourselves.

Alex. 28. Information Systems Operator. All you need to know about him can be surmized from the clip below:

Peter, 28 and a "business owner." (Very ambiguous, Peter.) Why did he stick out to me? Well. Because he's hot, that's why. FACTS ARE FACTS ARE FACTS, AMIGOS. He also pointed out that he and Rachel both have gaps in their front teeth. If that's not a recipe for LONG LASTING GAP TOOTH LOVE, I don't know what is. And he was the first one to exit the limo! An old wives tale says that the first person to exit the limo goes far in the competition.

Lucas, 30. He stuck out because I hate him. Whaboom!

Josiah is 28 and a prosecuting attorney. Is he intense? Yes. Does he have every right to be? Also, yes. He came out of the gate with a v v sad tale about his brother that left all of Bach Nation like...

They seem to have a lot in common including an unselfconscious use of legal jargon. His entrance line, “I am convinced that by the end of our experience together, you will have no reasonable doubt that I’m the man for you.”

Bryan (WITH A Y), 37, Chiropractor. Things to know about him: He's an aggressive kisser. OPEN AND SHUT CASE, JOHNSON. And he's Colombian. Which made me think of my boyfriend Pablo Escobar. Which made me think of Narcos and how I can't wait for the next season.

DeMario, 30, Executive Recruiter. He is super loud and makes many many jokes. Sort of funny ones. Like telling Josiah he'd be willing to move two of his great aunts to let him sit in the 4th row of his wedding to Rachel. 'Twas amusing.

The cocktail party is always a boring blur to me. It's still too many people to care about what's actually happening. The too sexual "aspiring drummer" hates Whaboom guy. Which almost makes him redeemable. Almost. One guy got super drunk, as always. The usual 10 and 2.

Rachel ends up giving the First Impression Rose to Bryan with a Y and I can't say I'm surprised. He kissed her and spoke Spanish and she was like HOOOOOOOOOLAAAAAAAA.

Randoms who we knew would go home, went home. She ends up keeping Whaboom which ~~is completely precitbale and driven by the producers~~ comes as a total surprise to everyone. I'm sure the fact he's "not here for the right reasons" will bring some drama to the mansion!

Until next week...I'll let this gem play us out...